


Freedom to Feel

by CaptainCoffee



Category: Star Trek Voyager
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Endgame fix it fic, Tumblr Prompt, admission of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26265673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainCoffee/pseuds/CaptainCoffee
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Doctor/Seven of Nine (implied), Tom/B’Elanna (mentioned)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 79





	1. Chakotay

<https://leisylaura.tumblr.com/post/625847686175834112/fic-prompt>

(Fic inspired by this gif ⬆️ Credit to @leisylaura on Tumblr)

* * *

Chakotay sighed inwardly as he entered the crowded ballroom at Starfleet Headquarters, with Seven on his arm.

It had been one function after another since Voyager returned.

Truth be told, he was getting pretty tired of it.

Now that the grueling processes of inquiries, debriefings, pardons and promotions were over with, he really would have preferred some time alone, or with just the crew, to reflect on all they had been through in the last seven years.

But Starfleet had decided it was time to celebrate, throwing gala after gala in honor of the homecoming, and it would have seemed rude not to attend.

 _ ‘At least tonight’s is less formal than most’,  _ Chakotay thought gratefully.

Glancing around the room, he caught sight of Tom and B’Elanna, looking like they’d rather be anywhere else; and the Doctor, engaged in an animated conversation with Reg Barclay by the punch bowl.

He offered a smile in their general direction, and continued scanning the room for more familiar faces.

His heart skipped a beat as he caught sight of  _her_.

“Kathryn?”

Chakotay spoke her name aloud without realizing it.

He hadn’t expected her to be here.

She had been absent from all the previous gatherings, having been tied up with Starfleet ‘paperwork’ long after the others were free and clear.

He had hardly had a chance to say two words to her since returning.

Kathryn, who apparently hadn’t heard Chakotay call her name- he silently prayed that no one else had either -continued to twirl gracefully on the dance floor.

She wore a simple black dress, her hair twisted into a soft updo, and Chakotay thought she had never looked more beautiful.

More than that, she looked happy, relaxed even.

_ ‘It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her that way...’_

His eyes shifted to her dance partner.

 _‘I’ve seen him before’_ he realized- in a picture Kathryn had shown him once, a long time ago.

_ ‘Mark .’ _

Chakotay couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy.

With the jealousy came regret.

The last seven years flashed through his mind in an instant.

All the years he had spent loving Kathryn-yet never doing anything about it.

True, she had kept him carefully at arms length-  _ ‘Always those damned parameters _ _’_ \- but he had known, deep in his heart, that she returned his feelings, and now he couldn’t help but think ‘if only’. 

_ ‘If only I had tried harder, if only I had been more honest with her...if only I hadn’t gotten involved with Seven.’ _

He had been lonely, and it had been a mistake, one that he knew had hurt Kathryn deeply, though of course she had never said a thing.

_ ‘I should be the one she’s celebrating our homecoming with- and it’s my own fault that I’m not’, _ Chakotay thought miserably.

He suddenly found himself wondering if Mark was still married.

The dance ended, and Kathryn acknowledged Chakotay with a wave and a brilliant smile, snapping him out of his reverie. 

He looked around, realizing he hadn’t even noticed when Seven had left his side.

He raised his hand to wave back, just in time to see Kathryn walk through the open balcony doors.

_ ‘Did Mark go with her?’ _

The crowd thickened and blocked his view, but Chakotay had to know. 

He made a beeline for the balcony where he found Kathryn -to his great relief-alone.

She stood leaning delicately on the railing, gazing out over San Francisco Bay as the warm breeze blew loose tendrils of her hair gently across her face.

She didn’t seem to notice Chakotay, and for a moment he considered going back inside-when he heard her speak.

“Hello Chakotay- or should I call you Captain now?” She questioned, a subtle smirk hovering on her lips.  
“I heard about your promotion.”

“Always Chakotay to you... Admiral ”, he returned, managing a smile. 

“Please, just Kathryn. I don’t think I’ll  ever  get used to Admiral”, she answered with a slight laugh, finally turning to face him.

_ ‘Beautiful. Always so beautiful.’ _

Chakotay caught himself staring, and quickly tried to find something to say.

“How are you?” 

_ ‘Stupid question.’ _

“Fine... you?”

“Uh, fine.”

Chakotay tugged uncomfortably on his ear, searching for something else to keep the conversation going.

“How’s Mark?”

He knew how the question must have sounded, because Kathryn’s smirk widened, and she responded in a teasing tone:

“Happily married, with a daughter on the way. His wife is here, if you’d like me to introduce you.”

“Maybe later”, Chakotay answered, hoping his relief wouldn’t be as obvious as his foolish jealousy had been.

Kathryn turned away again, with an expression on her face that Chakotay couldn’t quite read.

“How’s Seven?” She asked softly.

“Fine. Kathryn... about Seven and I...”

He stepped closer to her now, placing his hand just inches away from hers on the railing.

“It was a mistake. We went our separate ways the day after we returned.”

Kathryn turned to him in surprise.

“I hope you didn’t hurt her-“

“No. The feeling was mutual.”

“You did come here with her tonight...”

“I only met her at the door, and walked her in to meet her real date. I’ll show you...”

Chakotay gently took Kathryn’s arm and led her back to the doors, from where they could just make out Seven- standing by the punch bowl, arm in arm with the Doctor, and actually smiling.

Kathryn laughed suddenly, and Chakotay heard the same relief in her voice as he had felt when she told him about Mark.

“Well, they look very happy! I always did think they would make a nice couple...”

“So did I.”

Their smiles faded after a moment, and a tense silence settled on them.

“I... think I’d better be getting back to the party...” Kathryn began, but Chakotay interrupted her.

“Stay.”

The word came out more abruptly than he had intended, and-noticing the slightly stunned look on Kathryn’s face- he quickly added, more tenderly:

“Please, just for a moment. I... have something I’d like to say.”

“I’m not sure it’s something I want to hear”, Kathryn whispered, glancing away.

“Please...” Chakotay said again, feeling as if he were pleading.

Kathryn retreated back to the railing with a sigh.

“Well?”

Chakotay went up to her once again, but this time he reached out, taking her chin gently in his hand and turning her face up to his.

His heart pounded unbearably as he looked into her eyes-  _ ‘Such beautiful eyes’ _ \- preparing to speak the words he had spent an eternity trying to say.

But no words came.

Chakotay was never sure exactly how it happened, but somehow Kathryn was in his arms.

She kissed him feverishly, hungrily, and he responded in kind-all the years of waiting, longing, hoping falling away as he relished the taste of her lips beneath his, the feel of her body leaning into him, the scent of her hair.

_‘Yes Kathryn...yes.’_

The embrace broke almost as quickly as it had begun.

Kathryn backed away.

She looked shaken, almost ashamed, as if they were still Captain and First Officer, and  
their passionate display had been on the bridge of Voyager. 

“We can’t do this Chakotay. Not now.”

“Why?” Chakotay demanded, feeling anger begin to burn in his chest, blotting out the joy he had felt only moments ago.

“It’s too soon... or too late... I just don’t think it’s wise”, she murmured.   
“We need to forget this happened.”

_ ‘Don’t do this Kathryn. Not again .’ _

He had loved her for so long, and now-when they were finally free to admit their feelings, free to have a life together-she was still turning him away.

A painful memory came, unbidden, to his mind.

Of the only time, so long ago, that they had ever been truly open with one another-physically, emotionally-a time they had thereafter never spoken of again.

_ That _ had been Kathryn’s decision, and Chakotay had gone along with it, even though it had been the last thing in the world he had wanted.

He felt again all of the bitterness, anger, regret and loneliness he had felt then- and he suddenly wanted Kathryn to feel it too.

“So it’s ‘New Earth’ all over again”, he spat.

Chakotay regretted the words as soon as they left his lips.

He knew he had gone too far.

He saw Kathryn flinch, turning towards him once again, her eyes brimming with tears and flashing with anger.

And when she spoke, Chakotay knew she had reached her breaking point as well.

“Do you think it was easy for me?! All those years... you never knew all the times I wanted to take those protocols and say ‘to hell with them’, but I knew that if I ever did that-If I even  _ once _ gave in to those feelings-I risked losing my objectivity, losing focus on the only goal that kept me alive out there:  to get my crew home.  Can’t you understand that?!”

Kathryn broke off suddenly, burying her face in her palm.

Chakotay stood in stunned silence.

With the exception of New Earth, he had never once seen her cry.

Through everything, she had remained always strong, immovable.

She had stared death in the face more than once without faltering.

And now she was crying.

_ ‘Because I hurt her.’ _

The thought made Chakotay feel as though he’d been pierced through the heart. 

“I’m sorry Kathryn... so sorry”, he whispered, his voice hoarse, choked with sorrow.

Kathryn raised her eyes to meet his, and she went to him.

He gathered her in his arms, holding her close, stroking her hair as she sobbed, trembling, into his chest.

“I do understand. I always have”, he murmured soothingly, feeling tears prick at his own eyes.  
“But look around you Kathryn. You did it. You got us home. Don’t you think you-we-deserve some happiness now?”

Kathryn pulled back again, but only slightly this time, letting Chakotay’s arms remain around her.

She looked up at him sadly.

“It’s not that simple Chakotay. I can’t just  _ decide _ to be happy. I’ve spent so long...holding to duty, denying myself, hiding my feelings...”

Her voice began to waver again.

“I’m not sure I know how to stop.”

Chakotay gently brushed the tears from her cheeks.

“Things are never simple. But I told you once that I would stand by you, always, and that your needs would come first. I still mean that. And I know we can make this work...”

He took a deep breath.

_‘It’s now or never.’_

“Because I love you, Kathryn.”

He drew closer, and she met him halfway, closing the last few inches of space that remained between them.

His lips found hers once again, but this time, it wasn’t sudden, desperate- it was slow, loving, as he did his best to show her that they had all the time in the world.

He felt Kathryn’s fingers twine through his hair, and knew that he had never, would never feel any greater happiness than when she breathed softly into his ear:

“I love you too.”

As if on cue, the darkness was instantly illuminated by brilliant fireworks.

And as he gazed into Kathryn’s eyes, Chakotay was finally certain of a future with her that was as bright and beautiful as the lights in the sky.


	2. Kathryn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for all the great feedback! Here is the second chapter as promised. It covers the same events as chapter 1, this time from Kathryn’s perspective.

_ ‘Don’t look at him, Kathryn. If you look, you’re dead.’ _

She had seen-or, more accurately, felt- Chakotay’s presence the moment he entered the room.

He’d had that effect on her as long as she’d known him- magnetic, drawing her gaze even when she tried to resist.

But she resisted now.

Because she knew he hadn’t entered alone.

As Kathryn spun across the dance floor, she caught what she could with her peripheral vision.

Seven’s blonde hair...two arms intertwined...Chakotay’s smile.

 _ ‘He’s not even looking at me. Well, I guess it’s true what they say: you snooze, you lose’_ , Kathryn thought wryly.

She wished she could be happy for them.

She had never been what you would call the jealous type, but tonight she was skirting dangerously close to it.

As many times as she had tried over those seven years to convince herself that she felt nothing more for Chakotay than friendship, she had always known, deep in her heart, that it simply wasn’t true.

And tonight she was more sure of it than ever.

Still, she couldn’t resent him for what had happened.

Of  _ course _ he had been lonely, with her pushing him away at every hint of affection.

He had every right to pursue a relationship elsewhere.

Nor could she resent Seven, the woman she thought of almost as a daughter.

If she had found happiness with Chakotay... well, that was enough.

_ ‘If I missed my own chance at happiness, there’s no one to blame but me. If only things had been different...’ _

As the past seven years drifted through her mind, Kathryn’s thoughts started getting dangerously close to self pity, and she distracted herself by concentrating on the dance, putting a smile on her face that she didn’t feel in her heart.

“Kathryn?”

Chakotay’s unmistakable voice, soft as it was, had carried across half the room, caressing her ears with the sound of her own name.

Kathryn suddenly found it very hard to breathe.

It was all she could do to pretend she hadn’t heard.

She began to think that maybe she had just imagined it; after all, no one else had seemed to hear...

The dance was over suddenly, interrupting her contemplation.

After nodding politely to Mark, Kathryn knew there was no use putting it off any longer.

She tried to formulate a friendly, offhand thing to say to Chakotay and Seven.

_‘Congratulations you two! When’s the wedding?’_

_ That _ didn’t even sound sincere in her mind.

Maybe they would be so involved with each other they wouldn’t even notice what she said.

Kathryn wasn’t sure if that would make her feel better or worse.

She turned to face them.

But it wasn’t  _ them _ anymore.

Chakotay was looking directly at her - _staring_ would be more accurate \-  with a hint of wistfulness in his eyes; and Seven was nowhere to be seen.

Kathryn’s breath betrayed her once again.

She had to get out of there, away from that intense, longing gaze.

She managed a quick wave and an artificially bright smile, barely looking at him, before ducking between the throngs of people, heading for the one place where she could hopefully be alone: the balcony.

It was, thankfully, deserted, and Kathryn leaned on the railing with a sigh of relief.

Her relief was short lived.

She only had a moment alone before she felt it again.

The soothing presence she knew so well, but that didn’t feel soothing at all tonight.

_ ‘Maybe if I don’t let him know I’ve noticed him...oh, pull yourself together. You have to face him eventually.’ _

She did the only thing she could- donned the stoic mask she had cultivated so carefully over the last seven years.

“Hello Chakotay- or should I call you Captain now?” She greeted him, feigning indifference with a casual smirk.  
“I heard about your promotion.”

“Always Chakotay to you... Admiral .”

“Please, just Kathryn. I don’t think I’ll  ever  get used to Admiral”, she answered with a slight laugh, finally working up the courage to face him.

_ ‘Damn, he looks good.’ _

He always had, but tonight, as she saw him out of uniform for the first time in years, it was different.

The simple black shirt and beige jacket he had chosen for the evening suited him wonderfully.

His hair looked different too.

Not slicked back, as per Starfleet regulations, but lying softly across his forehead, almost...  _ tousled. _

Kathryn couldn’t help wondering what it would be like to run her fingers through it.

_‘Stop it’_ ,  she scolded herself mentally.

“How are you?” She heard Chakotay ask.

_That_ certainly wasn’t something she could answer honestly, so she responded instead with the automatic lie:

“Fine... you?”

“Uh, fine.”

She saw him tug on his ear, a gesture she well knew to mean that he was feeling uncomfortable, or agitated about...something.

“How’s Mark?” He asked abruptly.

_‘So that’s what it is! He’s jealous...’_

Kathryn couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her face.

It was just so... adorable. 

“Happily married, with a daughter on the way. His wife is here, if you’d like me to introduce you.”

“Maybe later”, Chakotay answered, and Kathryn heard the obvious relief in his voice.

_ ‘He was just as jealous as I was. But then...I actually have a reason.’ _

Seven. 

Kathryn had almost allowed herself to forget for a moment.

Fearing the mask would drop, she turned away.

“How’s Seven?” She asked softly, hoping her voice wouldn’t give her away.

“Fine... Kathryn, about Seven and I...”

Chakotay stepped closer to her now, placing his hand just inches away from hers on the railing.

Close enough for her to touch, if she wanted to.

And she did want to, so very much...

She began grow impatient at his silence.

_ ‘Well, out with it! What about you and Seven? You’re in love? Engaged? Is that what you followed me all the way out here to tell me?’ _

“It was a mistake. We went our separate ways the day after we returned.”

Kathryn’s heart pounded in her ears as she tried to process what she had just heard.

A flood of emotions overwhelmed her- confusion, relief, happiness...anger.

 _ ‘Well then, what  _ have _ you been  doing with Seven all this time? Just toying with her? No... you wouldn’t do that...would you?’ _

“I hope you didn’t hurt her-“ she stammered, a bit more harshly than intended.

“No. The feeling was mutual.”

“You did come here with her tonight...” she pressed.

“I only met her at the door, and walked her in to meet her real date. I’ll show you...”

Chakotay gently took Kathryn’s arm and led her back to the doors, from where they could just make out Seven- standing by the punch bowl, arm in arm with the Doctor, and actually smiling.

Kathryn couldn’t help but laugh, a wonderful giddy feeling of relief wiping out her previous bitterness.

“Well, they look very happy! I always did think they would make a nice couple...”

“So did I.”

Their smiles faded after a moment, and a tense silence settled.

“I... think I’d better be getting back to the party...” Kathryn began, but Chakotay interrupted her.

“Stay.”

Kathryn stared dumbly at him.

She knew that tone of voice all too well.

“Please, just for a moment. I... have something I’d like to say”, Chakotay continued.

Kathryn floundered for an escape.

“I’m not sure it’s something I want to hear”, she whispered, dragging her eyes from his.

“Please...”

There was no mistaking the pleading tone, and Kathryn knew she couldn’t resist.

She retreated back to the railing, trying to regain some distance, and some semblance of control.

But Chakotay followed her, reaching out, taking her chin gently in his hand and turning her face up to his.

Kathryn didn’t know exactly what Chakotay had been planning to say, but as she gazed into his eyes, she frankly didn’t care.

She never knew what made her do it- perhaps all those years of longing finally got the better of her- but she crashed her lips against his, silencing the words before they came.

For a few blissful seconds, she was aware of nothing but the feel of his lips on hers, and she relished it, kissing him deeply, hungrily...

Alarm bells clanged in her brain.

 _‘No. You shouldn’t, you can’t...’_ they reproached her.

It was like an autonomic response.

After so many years of protocol staring her in the face at every turn, forcing her to hide her needs, her feelings... Kathryn almost expected to turn around and find a jury of Starfleet Officers, announcing the sentence of her court martial for ‘improper relations with a subordinate’.

She tried to convince herself that it was all right, that things were entirely different now, but for some reason she couldn’t- and she was suddenly terrified that she would never be able to allow herself to feel anything ever again.

She broke the embrace, backing away.

“We can’t do this Chakotay. Not now”, she gasped.

“Why?”

He sounded so angry, so hurt...

Kathryn racked her brain for a valid answer, frustrated when she couldn’t seem to formulate one.

“It’s too soon... or too late... I just don’t think it’s wise”, she heard herself babble.  
“We need to forget this happened.”

“So it’s New Earth all over again.”

Chakotay’s words hit her like a shot.

She felt sick to her stomach as memories flooded back to her- memories she had so carefully shut away-dragged to the surface by his thoughtless words.

_ ‘How DARE he...’ _

Something inside her seemed to snap.

Hot, angry tears stung her eyes as she turned on him.

“Do you think it was easy for me?! All those years... you never knew all the times I wanted to take those protocols and say ‘to hell with them’, but I knew that if I ever did that-If I even  _ once _ gave in to those feelings-I risked losing my objectivity, losing focus on the only goal that kept me alive out there:  _to get my crew home_.  Can’t you understand that?!”

She broke off, burying her face in her palm.

_ ‘This... this is just wonderful. And now I’m crying! Damn it, I’ve faced death itself without a tear, and now this... stop it, stop it...’ _

Her scolding thoughts just made her cry harder.

“I’m sorry Kathryn... so sorry”, she heard Chakotay whisper.

Kathryn raised her eyes to his, meeting his own pain there.

She knew he hadn’t really meant to hurt her.

Any more than she had ever meant to hurt him .

 _ ‘What fools we’ve been all these years... but...that’s all in the past now... why  _ can’t _ we have a future together?’ _

Chakotay opened his arms, and she went to him.

He held her close, stroking her hair as she sobbed, trembling, into his chest.

It felt so good, just to let herself be  _loved_.

“I do understand. I always have”, she heard him murmur.  
“But look around you Kathryn. You did it. You got us home. Don’t you think you-we-deserve some happiness now?”

Kathryn pulled back again, but only slightly this time, letting Chakotay’s comforting arms remain around her.

She looked up at him sadly, and decided to just tell him the truth.

“It’s not that simple Chakotay. I can’t just  _decide_ to be happy. I’ve spent so long...holding to duty, denying myself, hiding my feelings...“

Her voice began to waver again.

“I’m not sure I know how to stop.”

Chakotay gently brushed the tears from her cheeks.

“Things are never simple. But I told you once that I would stand by you, always, and that your needs would come first. I still mean that. And I know we can make this work...”

He paused for a moment.

“Because I love you, Kathryn”, he finished.

She let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding.

_‘I never realized how much I wanted to hear him say that... and damn it, I love him too, and I don’t care who knows it.’_

Chakotay drew closer, and she met him halfway, closing the last few inches of space that remained between them.

He kissed her so tenderly, so lovingly- Kathryn heard no warning bells this time.

She felt no more doubts, no more fears: just love.

She twined her fingers gently through Chakotay’s hair, breaking the kiss just long enough to sigh:

“I love you too.”

As if on cue, the sky was instantly illuminated with brilliant fireworks.

 _ ‘How cliche’,  _ Kathryn couldn’t help thinking.

But she was too happy to care.

As she gazed into Chakotay’s eyes, her heart soared with the fireworks.

At long last, she was free.


End file.
